The Onion's Guide to a Stress-Free Family Holiday

Making Family Gatherings Stress-Free

Hosting a large dinner is always stressful, but when it's a family gathering for a holiday like Thanksgiving, it can be downright excruciating. Here are some tips to help you survive your relatives this holiday season:

• To keep your mother happy, seat her directly across from her one good child who actually did something with his life
• Splurge and get the more expensive turkey; then, make sure to mention at least once an hour how you splurged and got the more expensive turkey
• If your in-laws are religious, respect their beliefs and pretend there's a God for one night
• Appease Uncle Karl early by fitting the Second Amendment into your blessing
• Do not invite any newspaper or magazine columnists who publish an annual column about how we Americans have lost sight of the true meaning of Thanksgiving
• Put the adults at the kids' table, and keep the kids in the car
• An air horn will help let your guests know when they've overstayed their welcome
• Dress in disguise, posing as a distant relative from Italy, and find out how they really talk about you when you're not around
• Finally learn how to make a Rob Roy the right goddamn way like Uncle Doug's been telling you for years
• Have a bunch of old National Geographic magazines on hand for that one cousin who doesn't watch football
• Never host Thanksgiving

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